Translation: "Dear Us Weekly, Kris Jenner and I are not having a 'secret affair.' We are quite open about it, we go on vacation together, I drive her Bentley around, we shop at Barney's NY, so what's the big deal? I'm trying to extend my 15 minutes of fame and get some 58-year old p*ssy. You're putting me on the cover, so my plan is working!"
The next Us Weekly cover the two will share is, "Kris & Ben fight to make their sex tape public!!"